"Cuffing season" -- a social phenomenon where single people search for short-term relationships once it gets colder outside -- has arrived and you found someone special.
Now that the holiday season is here, you may find that a question is consistently on your mind: how soon is too soon to bring my new significant other home for the holidays to meet the family?
Relationship experts, Irina Firstein (LCSW, Licensed Individual & Couples Therapist) and Christine Kederian (LMFT, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist) sat down with NBC New York to talk all things new relationships and holiday expectations.
The following interview transcription has been edited for length and clarity.
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Is it ok to bring your significant other over for the holidays if you started dating recently?
Irina Firstein: If there's a circumstance that you're dating somebody and their family is in another country or they're estranged or something, I don't think it's a huge, huge deal.
What should you do if you started dating recently and are on the fence about bringing them over for the holidays?
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Dr. Christine Kederian: I believe that you really need to learn about someone's consistent character over a period of time to know if they are really who they present themselves to be. So it's really about learning about their character over time and different contexts to ensure that who you think they are and who they say they are is really who they are. And you're not getting love bombed.
What red flags should people look out for when getting into a relationship?
Irina Firstein: When people don't keep agreements or promises, when too soon people are making plans like way in the future, when people don’t talk about their past relationships. I also think the way people handle money is also very important, or when the stories are inconsistent. If you get a feeling in your gut, don't ignore it.
What should people look for when finding a partner?
Dr. Christine Kederian: What you really want to look for are people that embody what you're desiring in a potential partner. So you have similar values, you have similar goals for the future, and then you want to pay attention to all those other aspects. Obviously, chemistry, attraction, but you want to make sure that there is that potential for longevity. And the way that you do that is getting to know them in different context, asking deeper questions and making sure that their desire for this connection lasts beyond them, inviting you to holiday parties or weddings, and that they're really interested in the same thing that you are if you're both looking for that long term connection.
If the relationship is moving too fast, what should people do?
Dr. Irina Firstein: So I think the key here is just to communicate that. “Hey, listen, you know, this is going a little fast. Let's take a step back or let's slow down. Let's hang out in this place for a while. And, you know, we'll see where it goes.”
When a relationship is having conflict, what should couples remember?
Irina Firstein: Ideally, I think a conflict is necessary. So in my world, there is a pursuer and there is a withdrawer. Most relationships are pursuer and withdrawer. There are some relationships with two pursuers. I haven't seen that yet, but theoretically there has to be. But that's a problem because then they're going to be fighting all the time. So a pursuer who doesn't understand this, who sees the withdrawer thinks he doesn't care. I'm saying he because it's usually a man, but not always, by the way. Not always. And what the pursuer needs to realize is that they care a great deal.
If the relationship is healthy and a couple wants to keep it that way, what should they do?
Dr. Christine Kederian: Do things and activities together that bring out that fun, that freedom, that joy that you felt early on in the relationship and just continue to do that and make time for that. Even if it's just for a few minutes a day. Just really build in that time for fun and play within all the busyness. And I think that's really going to bring a lot of couples closer and also continue good connections.
The one thing relationships need is…
Dr. Christine Kederian: Mutual love. I always say soulmates aren't born, they're created. So it really takes that dynamic of two people that want to work on their relationship to make it great.
Irina Firstein: Not taking each other for granted. Can't take for granted that somebody is going to be there no matter what.
