Now, psychologists and dating experts are talking about a different phenomenon: breadcrumbing.

“Breadcrumbing basically means not being super interested in someone, but continuing to lead someone on,” says Bela Gandhi, founder the of Smart Dating Academy and a dating and relationship expert. “It’s leading somebody on with no intent of following through.”

That could look like a few different scenarios: it might be an ex who continues to “check in” with you, but never goes so far as to suggest meeting up. It may be a guy that you’ve been flirting with back and forth, who will disappear for weeks, and then send an ambiguous “Hey, how’s it going?” text.

Or, it may be someone you went on a few dates with, who isn’t asking you out again, but will occasionally like one of your photos on Facebook or Instagram, or send you a message that has no significance, other than to pop back into your mind.

We asked several experts about why breadcrumbing happens and how to avoid it. Read on for more information about the dating trend.

Why do people do it?

“A lot of it is just ego,” Gandhi explains. The other person could just be narcissistic, seeking constant validation and attention even if they have no desire to commit to anyone. Or, they may just want to keep all of their options open, Gandhi adds.

However, dating coach Evan Marc Katz, author of “Why He Disappeared,” also challenged daters to put themselves in the other person’s shoes — it’s likely, he tells TODAY, that daters have themselves unintentionally led someone on in a similar manner.

“Men are not mysterious creatures,” Katz says. The man could be talking to multiple women, or secretly in love with an ex, or had a hard week at work. His actions, Katz says, are more selfish than calculating — he’s not considering the consequences of his confusing actions, just as women might not consider the consequences of reaching out to catch up with an ex.

But that doesn’t mean that you need to play along with these sorts of digital games. Here are a few tips on how to spot and respond to breadcrumbing.

How to spot breadcrumbing

Watch out for laziness.

One way to spot a person who is breadcrumbing? Look at their texts. They may, for instance, leave out letters or avoid writing out complete words — writing out things like, “How r u,” for instance.

“It’s the ultimate in lazy,” Gandhi says. “It just shows a lack of effort.”

The same goes for someone who only likes your posts on social media, or only sends the occasional “hey” text. Someone that really likes you, Gandhi says, is going to make an effort to see and spend time with you — not just text you every now and then.

Pay attention to the pace of your relationship.

A healthy relationship will be paced right, according to Gandhi. Over the first couple of weeks, you may go out on one date per week. That could increase to two dates a week, and then more — the important thing to note is whether you are naturally building momentum.

If, you’ve only gone out on one date over a handful of weeks, and they haven’t set up a new date, then “they’re evidently not that interested in getting serious about you right now, for any number of reasons,” Katz says.

The solution? Look out for consistent pacing over time to know when a person is pursuing you with intention.

Don’t make excuses.

It’s easy for women to feel that a guy may need encouragement, or that he’s a little bit different than other guys. But, Gandhi warned, don’t make excuses for someone else.

“Nobody is too busy to call you or to see you, no matter what they say,” Gandhi says. She’s even known clients who have flown to a city where a woman was on a layover, just to spend time with her.

And don’t worry about being too picky — you have to be when it comes to things like consistency, reliability and kindness, Gandhi says. If someone doesn’t live up to your standards, cut them loose.

Stop responding.

Ultimately, you may just have to stop engaging with this person. “If you feel like somebody is just throwing you crumbs, stop picking up the crumbs,” Gandhi says. If a person really wants to be with you, they’re going to amp up their efforts in response.

Don’t forget that you are the CEO of your own love life, Katz adds, and the people you date are interns applying for a job. “Focus your energies on the people who do follow up,” he advises.

Or, call out the behavior.

“Call them on it,” advises Ian Kerner, Ph.D, and licensed psychotherapist. “Give them a small window to respond, and then block their number if you don’t like what they’re telling you.”

Kerner notes that in his experience, women have been the ones breadcrumbing guys.

“For some women breadcrumbing is a way of flirting and keeping options open. Regardless of gender, it’s a way of flirting, passing time, maintaining options and feeling validated,” he explains.

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If you’re not particularly good at confronting people, this type of friend can cost you a significant amount of money.

Harvard-trained etiquette expert Sara Jane Ho says that doesn’t have to be the case. Ho is the founder of the finishing school Institute Sarita, host of the Netflix show “Mind Your Manners,” and author of an upcoming book, also called “Mind Your Manners.”

“You can send them friendly reminders,” about paying you back, she told CNBC Make It.

But if those don’t work, you might have to just consider it a learning opportunity.

‘Lend as much as you’re willing to lose’

Let’s say your friend hasn’t fulfilled the Venmo request you sent yesterday. Give it a little time, Ho says. There’s a chance they are planning to get to it. If it’s been a week, though, you can nudge them through another medium like with a text.

“If you want to confront a friend who never pays you back, you can either send them friendly reminders via email or in person saying, ‘By the way, do you have the $100 that I lent you last week?'” she says.

If they continue to ignore your requests for months, it’s safe to say they aren’t planning to pay you back and you’ll have to eat the cost. And while you might have lost money, you hopefully gained some useful knowledge about this person going forward.

“My father always used to tell me two things. Firstly, “neither borrower nor a lender be,”” she says.

This, from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, means don’t put yourself in the position of loaning money to friends or borrowing money from them and indebting yourself to someone else.

“Secondly,” Ho says. “Only lend as much as you’re willing to lose. If they really don’t want to pay you back, then you’ve kind of learned a lesson.”

If you know it’s unlikely that someone will pay you back, limit your hangouts to free or budget-friendly activities. Instead of grabbing dinner, get a coffee and go for a walk.

And manage your expectations: If you buy a round of drinks at the bar, don’t expect that they’ll do the same.

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New York City was rated toward the bottom of all cities in the U.S. for singles, according to a survey by personal finance website WalletHub that ranked cities based on their dating-friendliness.

The city was rated 144th out of 182 cities overall, getting the worst marks of all cities when it comes to economics. It fared only slightly better when it comes to dating opportunities, rated 169th by WalletHub.

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To add insult to injury for singles, NYC has the highest average rent for a one-bedroom apartment among all the cities included in the survey, WalletHub found. Those units were three times more expensive than one-bedroom apartments in the survey’s least expensive city: Columbia, Maryland.

So even if a single person is going on dates, it can be tough to have any be all that lavish, because so much of their money is going toward rent. But it’s not like that rent money was going to go toward an approaching wedding anyway, right?

Those weren’t the only areas where the five boroughs struggled, though all had to do with money. The Big Apple finished in the bottom five in costs for movies, restaurants and alcohol, according to WalletHub.

NYC did fare quite well in one category: Fun and recreation, where WalletHub rated it third-best in the country (behind just Las Vegas and Orlando, the respective unofficial capitals for gambling and theme parks).

Really it was the entire NYC area that performed poorly on the list. Only one city in the region was rated in the top 50…and it was ranked 50th. That honor belongs to Jersey City, which got above-average marks in fun and recreation (68th) and dating opportunities (38th).

New Haven, Connecticut, was rated 92nd overall, the only other city in the tri-state area to crack the top 100. Newark ranked just behind NYC at 147th overall, WalletHub found. Bridgeport was rated 168th and Yonkers was at 172nd.

The top city for singles was found to be Seattle, Washington, which had strong showings for fun and recreation (5th) and dating opportunities (3rd). Las Vegas, Denver, Atlanta and Austin rounded out the top five.

Despite having the cheapest one-bedroom apartments, Columbia was found to be the worst city in America for singles. Warwick, Rhode Island, was right behind it, along with Brownsville, Texas; Glendale, California; and Pearl City, Hawaii.

Now that the holiday season is here, you may find that a question is consistently on your mind: how soon is too soon to bring my new significant other home for the holidays to meet the family?

Relationship experts, Irina Firstein (LCSW, Licensed Individual & Couples Therapist) and Christine Kederian (LMFT, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist) sat down with NBC New York to talk all things new relationships and holiday expectations.

The following interview transcription has been edited for length and clarity.

Is it ok to bring your significant other over for the holidays if you started dating recently? 

Irina Firstein: If there’s a circumstance that you’re dating somebody and their family is in another country or they’re estranged or something, I don’t think it’s a huge, huge deal.

What should you do if you started dating recently and are on the fence about bringing them over for the holidays?

Dr. Christine Kederian: I believe that you really need to learn about someone’s consistent character over a period of time to know if they are really who they present themselves to be. So it’s really about learning about their character over time and different contexts to ensure that who you think they are and who they say they are is really who they are. And you’re not getting love bombed.

What red flags should people look out for when getting into a relationship? 

Irina Firstein: When people don’t keep agreements or promises, when too soon people are making plans like way in the future, when people don’t talk about their past relationships. I also think the way people handle money is also very important, or when the stories are inconsistent.  If you get a feeling in your gut, don’t ignore it.

What should people look for when finding a partner?

Dr. Christine Kederian: What you really want to look for are people that embody what you’re desiring in a potential partner. So you have similar values, you have similar goals for the future, and then you want to pay attention to all those other aspects. Obviously, chemistry, attraction, but you want to make sure that there is that potential for longevity. And the way that you do that is getting to know them in different context, asking deeper questions and making sure that their desire for this connection lasts beyond them, inviting you to holiday parties or weddings, and that they’re really interested in the same thing that you are if you’re both looking for that long term connection.

If the relationship is moving too fast, what should people do? 

Dr. Irina Firstein: So I think the key here is just to communicate that. “Hey, listen, you know, this is going a little fast. Let’s take a step back or let’s slow down. Let’s hang out in this place for a while. And, you know, we’ll see where it goes.”

When a relationship is having conflict, what should couples remember?

Irina Firstein: Ideally, I think a conflict is necessary. So in my world, there is a pursuer and there is a withdrawer. Most relationships are pursuer and withdrawer. There are some relationships with two pursuers. I haven’t seen that yet, but theoretically there has to be. But that’s a problem because then they’re going to be fighting all the time. So a pursuer who doesn’t understand this, who sees the withdrawer thinks he doesn’t care. I’m saying he because it’s usually a man, but not always, by the way. Not always. And what the pursuer needs to realize is that they care a great deal.

If the relationship is healthy and a couple wants to keep it that way, what should they do? 

Dr. Christine Kederian: Do things and activities together that bring out that fun, that freedom, that joy that you felt early on in the relationship and just continue to do that and make time for that. Even if it’s just for  a few minutes a day. Just really build in that time for fun and play within all the busyness. And I think that’s really going to bring a lot of couples closer and also continue good connections. 

The one thing relationships need is… 

Dr. Christine Kederian: Mutual love. I always say soulmates aren’t born, they’re created. So it really takes that dynamic of two people that want to work on their relationship to make it great.

Irina Firstein: Not taking each other for granted. Can’t take for granted that somebody is going to be there no matter what.

This August, two years into their relationship, Yumi Temple and her boyfriend, Daniel, moved into their first apartment together, in Denver.

It was Temple’s first time living with another person, outside of family, and she quickly learned there was a lot to navigate.

The couple decided to see a therapist, to work through their differences and find the best ways to communicate. Temple, 28, recently quit her full-time job and is trying to get a business off the ground; Daniel is a full-time engineer.

“I just wanted somebody on speed dial to help us with the issues we’d inevitably come into,” Temple said.

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Money is one of the biggest tension points for couples. And when people move in together for the first time, many financial questions and tasks arise, leaving room for disagreement and awkwardness.

Handling the transition proactively and honestly — and being open to vulnerability — can prevent a lot of problems along the way, experts say. Here’s a look at three financial tips for cohabitation.

1. Determine how expenses are paid

One of the first conversations a couple moving in together should have is about how expenses will be paid, said Wynne Whitman, co-author of “Shacking Up: The Smart Girl’s Guide to Living in Sin Without Getting Burned.”

Splitting costs evenly is not always fair, experts point out — especially considering that women still earn, on average, 18% less than men, according to a Pew Research Center Analysis of Census Bureau data.

“Is every expense split 50-50? ” Whitman said. “Is there another arrangement if one partner earns more?”

“Making a decision and sticking to it removes a lot of stress.”

After Hailey Pinto and her boyfriend graduated from college in Connecticut, they decided to take a shot at living together.

Pinto works remotely from their one-bedroom apartment in Charlotte, North Carolina, where her boyfriend got a job offer at a bank. They don’t split their $1,900 monthly rent 50-50 but instead according to their income levels, since it is their biggest expense.

“It’s almost like a 60-to-40 split,” said Pinto, 21. Meanwhile, they share their other expenses evenly. “We try to keep it fair.” 

When it comes to the lease (assuming you’re renting), experts recommend that everyone who lives in the apartment be on it.

That way, Whitman said, “both partners are equally responsible and have equal rights.”  

For their part, Temple and her boyfriend also have a third roommate in their Denver rental. All three of them are on the lease of the 3-bedroom apartment, where they share rent according to square footage.

As uncomfortable as it sounds, you should also have a talk with your partner about what to do if the relationship ends, including who would stay in the residence, Whitman said: “It’s always better to have a plan,” she added.

Some couples who are first moving in together prepare a cohabitation agreement, in which they outline who gets what, such as the place itself and any furniture, if they go their own ways, experts said.

2. Talk about money like you do the dishes

Just as cleaning the kitchen and vacuuming need to be done on a regular basis, so do certain financial tasks, Whitman said.

“Include financial management as one of the chores when making a list of who does what,” Whitman said. This includes making sure you’re sticking to a budget, getting the bills paid and tackling any debt.

Forgoing initial conversations around money “will expose you to risks down the line,” said certified financial planner Sophia Bera Daigle, founder of Gen Y Planning in Austin, Texas. You need to learn about each other’s spending patterns and debt, Daigle said.

Whitman also suggests regular chats about your financial goals, big and small.

“If one partner is interested in saving to purchase a home and the other would rather spend every penny on going out, count on a lot of friction,” Whitman said.

Couples might have “money dates” once a month to discuss their financial anxieties and aspirations, said Daigle, a member of the CNBC FA Council. “Continuing these conversations will help hold each other accountable,” she said. “Make it into a fun topic rather than a taboo.” 

You shouldn’t expect your partner to be a mind reader, added Whitman.

“Share your views, ask questions, talk about what is and isn’t important,” Whitman said.

Knowing each other’s history is also important, she added. “If you have experienced food insecurity, share this with your partner.”

These discussions can help shed light on your financial behavior.

3. Don’t rush to combine finances

Couples who have just moved in together probably don’t want to rush into combining their finances, including accounts and assets, Whitman said. There is time for that.

For shared bills, you can have a small joint account, “with each partner contributing monthly,” she said.

For those who opt to keep things completely separate, they can pay rent and larger expenses from their individual accounts by writing two checks, or with one person sending half their costs to the other, who pays the bill directly.

Taking the step of cohabitating is a kind of test run to see if your relationship could stand the long haul, said Benjamin Seaman, a psychotherapist in New York. That’s why it’s important to try to do things right.

“Put your cards on the table, come to an understanding of where you are and where you want to be, and use this as a chance to learn about each other’s raw spots and strengths,” Seaman said.

More couples are becoming homeowners before tying the knot.

Unmarried couples make up 18% of all first-time homebuyers, up from just 4% in 1985, according to a 2022 report by the National Association of Realtors.

The organization mailed out a survey in July 2022 and received a total of 4,854 responses from homebuyers who bought a primary residence between July 2021 and June 2022.

“Unmarried couples have been on the rise [as homebuyers] and now they’re at the highest point that we’ve recorded,” said Jessica Lautz, the Washington, D.C.-based vice president of research of the National Association of Realtors. 

Buying a house is a bigger commitment than renting, so while these couples may be eager to own a home, there are a few things they should consider before purchasing a property together.

‘Housing affordability really is a struggle’

Many young, unmarried couples live together, often for financial reasons. About 3 in 5 unmarried couples in the U.S. live with their partners, according to a report by the Thriving Center of Psychology.

Splitting the cost of housing, which can be a big part of your budget, makes sense.

Even so, unlike married homebuyers, almost half of unmarried ones — 46% — made financial sacrifices, including picking up secondary jobs, to finance their purchase, the NAR report found.

"Housing affordability really is a struggle, so pulling your finances together as an unmarried couple can make a lot of sense to move forward on that transaction," said Lautz, who is also the deputy chief economist of NAR.

The typical unmarried couple buying a home together for the first time was roughly 32-year-old millennials with a combined average household income of $72,500, according to Lautz. Additionally, these shoppers were more likely than married couples to receive loans — 4% versus 3% — or be gifted money from friends and family — 12% versus 7%.

One reason unmarried people may decide to buy homes with their partners is the strength in numbers that pairing up offers when it comes to qualifying for financing, as real estate prices and interest rates remain high, said Melissa Cohn, regional vice president of William Raveis Mortgage in New York.

While one could argue couples should simply get married if they're already investing in a house, some people may opt to keep things, such as their estates, separate.

"There are reasons why people don't get married; it's not an automatic given these days," Cohn noted.

But unmarried couples should carefully approach making a commitment of this scale.

There are often no legal protections they can fall back on, said Cohn. If one person decides to leave, the other can be saddled with the entire mortgage and may not be able to afford it, she said. 

How to secure each other's investment

"In order to walk away from a marriage, you have to get divorced, so there's more staying power," Cohn said. "If you're an unmarried couple, you have no legal obligation to that other party." 

However, it is counterintuitive for just about anyone to stop making mortgage payments — because it will ruin their credit, she added. 

To protect their investments in the property, unmarried couples ought to carefully consider how it is titled. That helps lay out each partner's legal rights and ownership, as well as what happens to the home if one of them dies.

Talk to an attorney about your options. Those options might include titling the property as joint tenancy with rights of survivorship, if ownership is equal, or as tenancy in common if one partner is contributing more financially.

Couples might also consider using a limited liability corporation or other entity, Cohn suggested. "By taking title in an entity like an LLC or partnership, you can better spell out and define who's responsible for what portion," she said. 

They can also protect their share of investments by outlining them in a property agreement. It defines who's responsible for the mortgage, how much each person is putting into the down payment, who's paying for the insurance and home repairs, added Cohn.

This may be a good idea if one person has a higher income than the other, she added. 

Four factors unmarried homebuyers should consider

Here are four things that certified financial planner Cathy Curtis, founder and CEO of Curtis Financial Planning, in Oakland, California, says unmarried couples should think about before buying property together: 

1. Carefully weigh tapping into retirement accounts for a down payment: While it's generally not the best idea to pull from retirement funds, millennials still have years to recover, said Curtis, who is also a CNBC Financial Advisor Council member. "The reality is, for most millennials, this is where most saving happens."

Funds in a traditional IRA can be used for a first-time home purchase, up to the lifetime limit of $10,000. The amount will be taxed at ordinary rates in the year withdrawn but will not incur a 10% penalty if it is a first-time home purchase, said Curtis.

Roth IRAs can be accessed as well, but the rules must be followed closely, said Curtis. You can typically withdraw contributions at any time without incurring taxes or penalties, but there are age and time requirements for withdrawn investments to count as a qualified distribution.

Many companies allow employees to borrow from their 401(k) plans. An employee can borrow 50% of their invested balance, up to a maximum of $50,000. "If a person has $100,000 or more, they can borrow $50,000," said Curtis. "If they only have $70,000, they can borrow up to $35,000."

Loans must be paid back over five years or in full if employment ends. 

2. Review credit reports and scores to ensure you get the best mortgage rate possible: Make sure there are no inaccuracies, diligently pay your bills on time and reduce your debt levels as much as possible before the purchase. Keep in mind that lenders will look at both partners' scores if both are on the mortgage application.

3. Keep credit activity low: Avoid making any large purchases on credit cards, as well as opening or closing new lines of credit as any of these could affect your credit score.

4. Save money in a high-yield savings account: Instead of keeping your down payment savings in the stock market, consider using a high-yield savings account. "The market could dip right when the cash is needed," added Curtis. "Fortunately, rates are very good right now."

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Samantha Costanza went on a first date with a man she’d met on a dating app in January 2022.

They got to know each other as they both sipped on hot cider because of the cold at the Brooklyn, New York, bar where they’d agreed to meet. When it was time to pay for the drinks, Costanza’s date handed his credit card to the bartender.

A few days later, he messaged that he’d like to see her again. Costanza didn’t feel the same.

“I spent over an hour crafting a very polite reply that assured him I had a lovely time but just did not see a future connection,” said Costanza, 29, a customer operations analyst.

In response, the man asked Costanza if she could Venmo him back payment for her drinks.

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“I was in complete shock,” she said. “It made it seem like the only reason he would offer to pay for my drinks was that he expected something from me.”

Relationship and etiquette experts say the confluence of changing gender norms, popularity of payment apps and the economic climate tightening people’s budgets is making the already fraught first date a little more tense.

One symptom may be more awkwardness around how the tab is handled, in the moment and after the fact. Like Costanza, some women say they’ve had a male date ask for his money back after they explained they didn’t want to go out again.

“We are culturally moving into a dating environment that we’re all unfamiliar in,” said New York-based psychotherapist Carli Blau.

Toxic behaviors in online dating apps

The requests for money back after a disappointing date are a symptom of a much bigger problem with modern dating, said Jon Birger, author of “Date-onomics: How Dating Became a Lopsided Numbers Game.”

These situations would be much less likely to occur on a first date involving two people set up by a mutual friend or a family member, he said.

“It’s a byproduct of the awfulness and toxicity of online dating, where every first date is a blind date with a complete stranger,” Birger said. “There’s zero social accountability, which makes it easier for people to behave badly.”

Dating coach Blaine Anderson said a money request after a date is among the biggest taboos.

“Venmo-requesting a woman to split your first date if she doesn’t agree to a second date is pathetic and unethical,” Anderson said.

When men, in particular, ask for their money back, it can underscore the uncomfortable feeling women can get that their covered dinner came with expectations.

“The man considered the cost of that first date an investment, and that investment did not pan out,” said dating app expert Irina Manta, co-host of the podcast Strangers on the Internet.

Erin, a single 40-something in Pennsylvania who asked to use her first name only, felt unsettled when her date later asked for a refund.

After their first dinner together, she knew she wasn’t going to see him again because of his political views. When their check came, she offered to pay her portion but he insisted on covering the full bill.

But then, the next day, when she explained that she didn’t want to see him again, he asked her to Venmo him $30.

“It really did feel very off-putting,” said Erin. “It really underscores some kind of sense of entitlement on his part.”

Although many find the expectation that men pay for the first tab old-fashioned, others see it as a kind gesture or a way to show interest.

Costanza said she would have been a bit put off if her date hadn’t at least offered to pay.

“Each drink cost $10, so a total of $20 to cover me on a first date seemed like an expected and polite gesture to show his interest,” she said.

How the economy is taking a toll

On the other hand, it’s important to consider the economy as a backdrop, said psychotherapist Blau.

Wage stagnation and inflation have left many people feeling squeezed, and dating can be very expensive. Americans spend nearly $700 on dates annually, with the average man spending the most — around $860, according to a 2020 report by LendingTree.

The average cost of a full dinner and a movie across major cities in the U.S. can cost around $159, according to a more recent analysis by MoneyGeek, conducted in 2023.

“That can be really hefty when we’re talking about an economy where people are struggling to pay their rent,” Blau said.

As a result, Blau saw the refund requests a little differently.

“Is it really that they had a bad intention [or] is it that they really couldn’t afford it?” she said.

What to do if it happens to you

If you receive a request from someone after your date, experts say there are pros and cons whether you ignore or pay it.

Ignoring the request sends the message that it was inappropriate, while paying it could be the fastest way to cut ties and never interact again, said Anderson.

Meanwhile, if you intend to request a refund from someone after a date, you may want to reconsider. It’s better to ask to split the bill from the beginning and make your boundaries clear, said Blau.

If getting the money back will help your finances or make you feel better about being rejected, “it’s your right to ask,” she said. 

“It’s also their right to say no,” Blau added.

That’s basically what Costanza did. She ignored the request, and promptly blocked him.

“My time and energy is not refundable,” she said.

You’re not only taking a big step in your relationship, but there’s a good chance you as an individual may be able to cut down on some living expenses as a result of sharing costs with your partner.

It’s common for millennial couples to move in together before they’re married: 65% of unmarried millennial couples have already taken this step, according to a recent survey from the Thriving Center of Psychology. And a majority of them — 61% of cohabiting millennial couples — cite financial reasons as a contributing factor.

But many don’t share costs equally: 52% of millennial couples who live together don’t split their rent or mortgage payment evenly, the survey found.

And not every couple is happy with their setup. More than 1 in 3 couples surveyed said they felt financially unequal in their relationship.

Money can be a tricky subject to discuss with your significant other, but it’s important to talk about, especially if you live together. How much will each person contribute to the bills? How will you handle discretionary spending when you do things together?

Here are three tips for managing your money as a couple to help take some of the stress out of moving in together.

1. Organize your shared expenses

You get groceries, I’ll cover takeout. You pay for the pet insurance, I’ll cover the internet bill. Every couple has their own method for splitting costs, but however you and your partner decide to pay for things, it’s a good idea to keep track. 

Kelly Klingaman, a certified financial planner based in Austin, Texas, who works with professional women and dual-career couples, says she often sees clients who routinely Venmo each other back and forth for things. They may have a spoken or unspoken agreement to share costs and pay each other back for things like utility bills and groceries, but “it seems really disorganized,” she tells CNBC Make It.

“They were just going through the motions of what they’ve been doing since the early days of dating where they were paying each other back via Venmo,” Klingaman says. “And now years later, they’re still doing the same thing and wondering why it feels off and why they’re stressed out by their cash flow situation.”

She encourages her clients to start tracking both fixed and variable expenses, and sort out who will pay for what and when.

Opening a joint account can help you simplify paying bills like rent, insurance premiums and other fixed expenses.

“I do try to encourage that,” Klingaman says. “Of course, keep your own accounts, but is there a way to streamline how you pay for things by opening up a joint checking account to pay for your fixed expenses together?”

2. Talk about what’s ‘yours, mine and ours’

There may be expenses you and your partner don’t agree on — and that’s OK. Especially if you have separate income streams.

Early in her own relationship, Klingaman and her husband ran into spending conflicts, which led them to create “yours, mine and ours” accounts. Instead of both contributing to and spending from a single shared checking account, they started putting some money into their own accounts for personal purchases.

“We had our joint spending account, which was for all things that we did together and shared expenses,” Klingaman says. “But even that slight change — where I wasn’t looking at the transactions that he’s made that I didn’t necessarily agree with — helped remove that disagreement and nagging from our conversations about money.”

It’s not about hiding your spending habits from your partner, but rather having your own space and funds to do the things that matter to you.

“There’s got to be protection of our individual goals and values, and they’re not always going to overlap with our partner’s,” Klingaman says.

3. Keep the conversation going

How you split costs might work now, but things can change in the future. When you first move in together you may split things down the middle by default, but as you go on, you may find a better system.

“Perhaps the couple works toward splitting things more proportionally as it becomes clear one person’s income will be consistently different from the other’s,” Klingaman says.

It’s OK if things change, as long as you’re able to talk about it with your partner. “At that point, the couple has probably navigated a good number of money situations together, they’ve built up a healthy level of trust and understanding, and that has created common ground for handling money together more fairly.”

Talking about money can be awkward or uncomfortable, even for couples who’ve been partnered for a long time. But it’s important to be transparent and communicative about your finances, especially if you’re sharing resources and relying on each other’s incomes.

“I encourage couples to make sure they’re having regular ‘money dates’ so that each person understands the other’s money story,” Klingaman says.

It’s one thing to go over numbers and make sure there’s enough income to cover your expenses as a couple. But Klingaman says it’s helpful to understand where your partner is coming from and how they’re making financial decisions so you can have more productive conversations and come up with solutions that make both parties comfortable.

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People seeking extramarital relationships were fairly satisfied with their marriage and expressed strong feelings of love for their spouses, according to survey findings recently published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior.

At the same time, they very much enjoyed their affairs, both sexually and emotionally, and didn’t regret them.

Sexual dissatisfaction was the strongest motivator to pursue an extramarital affair, researchers found. About half of the respondents said they were currently not sexually active with their partners.

The findings show people are complicated and moral consistency is “very, very tricky,” says Dylan Selterman, a social psychologist and the lead author of the paper.

Monogamy can still work, though it’s hard and couples take it for granted, he adds.

“There certainly are people who stay together and don’t cheat on each other, but I think it requires a lot more effort than people might be aware of or willing to put into it,” Selterman, as associate teaching professor in the department of psychological and brain sciences at Johns Hopkins University, tells TODAY.com.

“People may assume that monogamy just comes naturally to us, and people might also assume if they really love each other, their partners won’t have a desire for others outside their marriage, and those are unwise assumptions.”

No remorse

The findings are based on responses from almost 2,000 registered users of Ashley Madison, a dating website that calls itself “the international leader in the married dating space” and uses the motto “Life is short. Have an affair.”

Selterman and his co-authors created a survey to find out how they felt about their main relationships, why they were seeking out an affair and whether they regretted cheating. Ashley Madison advertised the survey among its users and anyone who wanted to participate could, Selterman says.

The majority of respondents were straight men between 40 and 60 years old on average.

When asked how satisfied they were in their relationship with their spouse or partner, the average score was just below 3 on a five-point scale, with 5 being the highest possible score. They rated their love for their partner at 4, but sexual satisfaction hovered at around 2.

When those who cheated were asked about the emotional and sexual satisfaction they received from the affair, the average score topped 4 on a five-point scale. Regret about the affair was low at just below 2.

It could be that their feelings might be different if their spouses found out about the affair, Selterman says. But about 80% said their partners didn’t know about it.

Not the norm, therapists say

Relationship experts urged caution about the findings.

The paper likely doesn’t shed light on the average affair, says Jared Anderson, a professor of couple and family therapy at Kansas State University, and a licensed marriage and family therapist at the Kansas City Relationship Institute.

The participants were enthusiastic about seeking out an affair, which is not the norm, so it makes sense they had little regret, he notes. Anderson also considers them dissatisfied with their marriages based on how they rated their relationships on a five-point scale.

You can love someone and still not be satisfied in your sexual or overall relationship, but that’s much different than saying a highly-satisfied relationship is threatened by infidelity, Anderson says.

“This study has little relevance to the average person in a satisfied partnership and people should not panic because these findings likely do not apply to their relationship,” Anderson tells TODAY.com.

Other experts were skeptical, too.

“In over 30 years of being a family therapist, I have never seen anyone report being happily married while having an affair,” says Jeffrey Bernstein, a psychologist in Exton, Pennsylvania, and the author of “Why Can’t You Read My Mind? Overcoming the 9 Toxic Thought Patterns that Get in the Way of a Loving Relationship.”

“While there are no assurances of anything, the more we try to communicate in healthy ways, lead with empathy, and give our partners — within reason — the benefit of the doubt, the less we have to worry about.”

People in happy relationships sometimes do cheat, but they tend to fall into an affair rather than purposely seek it out, Anderson says. Opportunity coupled with bits of personal stagnation — such as seeds of discontent with life or boredom in the bedroom — can lead to what he calls “slow leaks in our relationship tires.” This can create the conditions for allowing a work friendship to deepen, for example.

“The antidote to this is to be honest with yourself about those areas of discontentment or stagnation with your life and your relationship. What needs to change? How? What unshared longings need to be shared?” Anderson advises.

“Then, have these important conversations with your partner and work together to grow individually and as partners in order to create a more fulfilling, intentional partnership. You might just find that your partner is feeling the same way.”

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Or maybe your partner loves Bruce Springsteen. Like, a lot. So much, in fact, they’ve been to 89 concerts (and counting).

If either of these apply, we might be talking about a “beige flag” situation, the latest relationship trend taking over TikTok.

This isn’t the first time the color beige has come up in the context of dating according to Thomas Edwards, dating coach and founder of The Professional Wingman.

“Beige flags started as a way to see if someone’s online dating profile was seen as boring,” Edwards tells TODAY.com. “If you use very cliche lines or you like pineapple on pizza or Excel spreadsheets, it seems like it was hints that you were totally boring.”

But recently the term has taken on new life and from the meaning of beige flags to if they matter in a healthy relationship, we’re here to help break it all down.

What is a beige flag?

According to online dating coach Max Alley, a beige flag is a behavior that your boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse or anyone else exhibits that’s, well, kind of strange without quite crossing into full-on freaky territory.

“It’s a super niche idiosyncrasy that is kind of funny, weird and unique, but not necessarily bad or not necessarily good,” he tells TODAY.com.

According to Alley, an example of a beige flag is your boyfriend reciting the etymology of someone’s name every time he meets a new person or knowing all the lyrics to every Jack Harlow song and singing them nonstop.

“(It’s) a pertinent interest to that person that they go all in on, which is seen as endearing and kind of cute. But also, a little weird,” he explains.

Are beige flags something to worry about?

Most everyone knows about red flags, or the blatant signs that your relationship is toxic, and green flags, the indicators that you and your love interest are well-suited for one another and it’s a positive situation overall.

Beige flags, however, are relatively new to the relationship flag family and fall somewhere in the middle. After all, we’ve all got our deal, right? The thing or things we do that, to us, seem perfectly normal, but to someone else, may seem a bit odd.

“We all have habits, traits and behaviors that are unique to us and that make us who we are. They may be ways we cope, how we react to stress or something we do to feel good,” Phyllis Ginsberg, M.A., MFT and author, tells TODAY.com.

Are these behaviors something we should be concerned about? Not necessarily, says Ginsberg.

“What might be called a ‘beige flag,’ that weird, odd, or quirky behavior, could be reframed and seen as cute or endearing. As long as it’s not so annoying that it makes you cringe or embarrasses you. That could be a dealbreaker,” she says.

Given that we’ve all got our own definitions of cringe and cute, what qualifies as acceptable in a relationship can be a little murky.

That said, if something seems a little off, it’s not a bad idea to keep an eye on it.

“If something comes up and it just makes you say, ‘Hmm,’ that’s something you just want to keep watching and paying attention to. See if it’s just the tip of the iceberg or is that a little thing, like he pins his socks together when he washes them and that’s pretty much it,” says Dr. Zoe Shaw, licensed psychotherapist.

It’s also important to recognize that, like the old adage, no one is perfect. If perfect’s what you’re looking for, you may want to shift your focus.

“You’re looking for somebody who is a good fit for you. You’re looking for somebody who you know well enough to know all their deficits,” Shaw says. “And that those deficits are something you can work with and deal with for a lifetime or for however long you want to date that person.”

Are beige flags overkill?

Since becoming a thing, countless TikTokers have taken to the social media site to post occasionally serious, but mostly amusing, accounts of their partner’s unusual quirks, running the gamut from poor texting skills to never checking their bank balance.

For better or worse, beige flags are having a moment.

“We live in a society that loves to identify and categorize things. That’s just kind of the trendy thing to do,” Edwards says.

But while we’re busy analyzing someone’s mildly unusual behavior, Edwards says to be mindful that we aren’t losing sight of why we’re with them to begin with.

“Those quirks and those interesting things can be a part of the personality and the character of who that person is, which is the very thing that you fell in love with or appreciate,” says Edwards.

“I think it’s important to know what green flags are, red flags are, but when we get into a whole spectrum of flags, then it makes the situation around dating, relationships, connection and attraction, really, really complicated.”

The bottom line? While poking fun at someone’s eccentricities makes for lighthearted TikTok fodder, keep the categorizing in check.

“I don’t think anybody should be ruled out because of the beige flag, because we are all quirky,” says Shaw. “Every single one of us are quirky in some way, shape or form and a beige flag is essentially a quirk.”

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The pair co-star in the new Apple TV+ series “ Platonic,” debuting Wednesday, about longtime best friends who, as the title suggests, are just that. In fact, the actors had conversations early on to make sure the characters never cross a line.

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“I honestly don’t like things about infidelity,” Rogen said in a recent interview. “I just don’t like it. That was something that I was like so clear (on) and something we talked about a lot… ’How do we signal to the audience, ‘that’s not a thing we have to worry about’? They can enjoy the show, laugh and not have this nagging thing in the back of their heads of like, ‘Is she going to cheat on her husband with this guy?’”

Both Byrne and Rogen, who are each married, say they have longtime friends of the opposite sex.

“I have a lot of friendships with women that I’ve had for decades and decades and decades,” he said. “I still am on a text chain with two girls who I went to an elementary school and summer camp with.”

Byrne recalls a “very intense” friendship she had with a male years ago when they were both struggling actors. The two were also roommates and leaned on each other, as friends do. What brought them comfort was a hot topic among outsiders.

“The amount of people that could not believe that we were not together or hooking up or had hooked up or were going to hook up, it was extraordinary,” she said, adding that they still share a bond. “We’re still very, very close friends 20 years later, but it’s harder now. I have kids and a family; we live on other sides of the world.”

The conflict in “Platonic” arises because Rogen and Byrne’s characters, Will and Sylvia, are rekindling their friendship after an argument created a yearslong wedge between them.

“They reunite in very different chapters in their life,” said Byrne.

Sylvia is happily married with three kids. Will is recently divorced and has more freedom. The will they-won’t they trope is more about will they be able to be the kind of friends they once were after so much time has passed.

There’s also an issue of how Will and Sylvia behave when they’re together. They revert back to their younger selves, pulling pranks, staying out late and partying. Sylvia’s husband, Charlie, played by Luke Macfarlane, is envious that Sylvia is more carefree with Will, while their lives are cluttered with the things they have to do, not want to do. Will and Sylvia also argue about who is more stuck at middle age and not living up to their potential. (The answer: They both are.)

And while Billy Crystal’s Harry in 1989’s “When Harry Met Sally” was adamant that men and women can’t be friends, relationship experts say it’s a silly debate.

“It’s kind of wild we’re even asking that question in 2023,” said Allison Raskin, a bestselling author and mental health advocate. Her book ”Overthinking About You: Navigating Romantic Relationships When You Have Anxiety, OCD, and/or Depression” addresses these topics.

“I don’t think that just because you happen to be attracted to whatever gender presentation the person you’re friends with has, that means there’s a romantic connection there or a sexual one.”

Tara Ceranic Salinas is a professor and chair at the University of San Diego’s Knauss School of Business who studies ethics and behavior in a variety of settings. She cites a recent U.S. surgeon general’s report that called loneliness an epidemic as a reason why friendships of all kind are vital.

“If people really think men and women can’t be friends, you’re eliminating half of the population from your friend groups,” argued Salinas. “You’re missing out on social connection, and it actually harms your health.”

The experts also argue that a romantic couple that doesn’t allow for outside friendships is a signal of a problem.

“That says something about your relationship,” said Raskin. “It says you think that your partner should be able to get everything they need from just you, when we’ve really seen that’s not possible. It puts a lot of unnecessary pressure on couples to be everything and provide everything.”

We’ve also been happily married to each other for 35 years, so we know a thing or two about how to build a successful, long-lasting relationship. But that doesn’t mean we don’t make mistakes. We argue, we get frustrated, we snap at each other. We’re human.

Still, there is one thing we’ve learned to never ever do: fight when we are emotionally flooded.

What is emotional flooding?

Emotional flooding is when you feel psychologically and physically overwhelmed. It often happens when our body senses danger during a conflict, and it prevents us from having productive conversations.

We’ve found that it’s a common pattern in unhappy relationships.

Everyone has their own built-in meter that measures how much negativity and fear they can take in at a single moment. When it becomes too much, the nervous system goes into overdrive and we essentially enter “fight or flight” mode.

Here are some signs of emotional flooding:

• Your heart races and you feel out of breath.
• Your jaw or muscles clench.
• You have a hard time hearing your partner.
• You struggle to focus on anything outside of your own racing thoughts.
• You want to scream and say negative things, run away, or ignore your partner.

These behaviors can harm both your partner’s trust in you and the foundations of your relationship. You may stop communicating altogether and start to resent each other.

How to avoid flooding while fighting

It’s hard to stop yourself from acting out when you’re emotionally flooded. You might say things you don’t mean. But being mindful of your emotions and mental energy can prevent you from going too far.

When we realize we are flooded during an argument, we let each other know: “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now and need some time to myself.”

Then we walk into separate rooms and do an activity that distracts or calms us down. This is important: We don’t let ourselves stew in how upset we are. Instead, we might do a quick meditation or yoga session, read an article, or play a game on our phones. 

Then we continue the conversation at an agreed upon time — when we’re feeling better. This exercise helps us remember that the end goal isn’t for one of us to “win” or have the last word. The point is to work through challenges together as a team.

It’s okay to fight in your relationship

Disagreements are normal and, in some cases, healthy. Even when conflict goes south, a couple’s capacity to course correct and repair their interaction requires knowing when to take a step back.

It’s about being able to pause in the middle of a fight and make a peace offering. Remember, successful couples don’t fight less than other couples — they fight better.

Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman are the co-founders of The Gottman Institute and Love Lab. Married for over 35 years, the two psychologists are world-renowned for their work on relationship stability and divorce prediction. They are also the co-authors of “The Love Prescription: Seven Days to More Intimacy, Connection, and Joy” and “10 Principles for Doing Effective Couples Therapy.” Follow them on Instagram and Twitter.

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Dennis R. Vetrano Jr. recently shared a video on TikTok about a “major theme” he’s seeing in the divorce industry — and it involves working parents.

In the now-viral clip, Vetrano Jr. explains that moms in the workforce “are tired” of managing their careers while also handling the bulk of household chores. And let’s not forget the mental load that moms take on.

“She’s got the kids, she’s got the groceries, she’s got the laundry, she’s got the meals, she’s got the work, and by the way, she’s making all the money and she’s paying for the house and doing everything else,” Vetrano Jr says.

“And I am seeing the husbands step back and say, ‘Huh, I don’t gotta do a thing!’” he adds.

According to a 2015 survey by the Working Mother Research Institute, 79% of working mothers say they are responsible for doing the laundry. They are also twice as likely as dads to handle the cooking. 

Vetrano Jr. says the leading causes for divorce are finances, infidelity, and addiction. He says another cause — working moms doing it all — has been climbing the list for roughly 10 years.

“Mom is CEO of a company but she’s still scheduling all of the appointments for the family,” Vetrano Jr. tells TODAY.com. “Her free time is spent folding clothes, while her husband gets to do whatever he wants.”

Vetrano Jr., notes that many of his female clients describe themselves as a “married single parent.”

“That’s the core of what I’m seeing,” he says. “I’m seeing it within my industry. I’m seeing it with friends. It’s becoming so pervasive.”

Vetrano Jr.’s TikTok followers can attest to that. Comments on his now-viral post include: 

“We get sick of the mental load. Having to give instructions on everything. It’s exhausting.”

“I will never forget the day I said ‘if I’m doing it all by myself, I might as well be by myself.’”

“Weaponized incompetence is a huge issue.”

“I had less work as a single mom of two than as a married mom of two.”

“Life is so much easier after I got divorced. I have more money (just my own), the house is clean, and I have free time. It’s magical.”

“Going on 27 years of marriage because my husband is an equal partner. It’s 100/100. No 50/50 BS. We’re in this together!”

Vetrano Jr. laughs when asked if he’s heard from any men thanking him for the wakeup call.

“What I’ve found in almost 24 years of doing this, is that men don’t look in the mirror. They look outward at who they can point a finger at,” he says. “They’d rather lash out and get mad than be introspective.”

That said, Vetrano Jr. is noticing that men are stepping up. 

“More dads are coming into my office and saying, ‘Hey, I’ve been doing school drop-off and pickup’ ‘I’ve been making meals,’” Vetrano reveals. “Slowly but surely, I’m starting to see that shift.” 

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Not only has our research helped us stay happily married to each other for 35 years, it’s also taught us how to identify when a relationship is headed towards disaster.

In one study, we were able to predict with 94% accuracy whether or not a relationship would last — after observing a couple for just 15 minutes. 

Ultimately, we’ve found that there’s one thing successful couples never do: take each other for granted.

A lack of appreciation can destroy a relationship

Saying “thank you” helps, but building a culture of appreciation requires much more than that. You must actively look for what your partner is doing right. Find the good that’s been hidden and overlooked, and point it out.

We’ve seen so many couples struggle with this. They focus on everything that their partner is doing wrong and criticize each other for it.

When couples caught in this negative spiral, the relationship breakers that we call the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” come galloping.

Watch out for the ‘Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’

Each horseman represents a communication style that increases the likelihood of a divorce or breakup. Identifying and then stopping them can help you have a healthier, stronger relationship:

1. Criticism

When you criticize, you attack your partner’s character: “You don’t care about anyone else’s time. You’re so selfish.”

It’s different than making a complaint, which is more like: “I’m upset that you’re 30 minutes late. I wish you’d call me sooner to let me know.”

How to fix it: During frustrating situations, you can complain, but don’t blame your partner for everything that went wrong. Use “I” statement to focus on how you feel and let them know what you need.

2. Contempt

Contempt is the No. 1 predictor of divorce. This communication style is fueled by long-held beliefs that your partner is morally inferior to you. When you act with contempt, you’re being mean on purpose.

You may mock them with sarcasm, imitate them, call them names, or use dismissive body language like eye-rolling or scoffing. 

How to fix it: Positive thoughts turn into positive feelings, which in turn become positive actions. So, tune into your admiration for your partner. Make a list of things you like about them. Think about your favorite memories together, and let them know you appreciate them.

3. Defensiveness

Defensiveness is an unproductive response to criticism. You want to get our partner off your back, so you dig for excuses, play the victim, and turn the blame onto them. 

For example, if your partner asks if you took the garbage out, a defensive response might sound like: “You know how tired I am after work. I can’t believe you’re asking me about this. It’s because I’m so lazy, right? Why can’t you do it?”

How to fix it: Try to understand your partner’s perspective and accept responsibility for your actions. For the above example, you could say: “You know what? I came home and completely forgot to take the trash out. I’m sorry, I know we agreed I’d do that. I’ll do it now.”

4. Stonewalling

Rather than engaging in conflict, you might tune out, ignore your partner, or even physically remove yourself from the conversation. 

It takes time to reach the point where you feel the need to stonewall your partner. But once you start, it can be hard to stop.

How to fix it: Rather than just walking away, you could say: “I feel too angry to talk about this. Can we take 15 minutes to calm down?” Go into a different room and do something relaxing like reading or meditating, then come back to the conversation. 

Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman are the co-founders of The Gottman Institute and Love Lab. Married for over 35 years, the two psychologists are world-renowned for their work on relationship stability and divorce prediction. They are also the co-authors of “The Love Prescription: Seven Days to More Intimacy, Connection, and Joy” and “10 Principles for Doing Effective Couples Therapy.” Follow The Gottman Institute on Instagram and Twitter.

Don’t miss:

• Harvard-trained psychologist: If you use any of these 9 phrases every day, ‘your relationship is more successful’ than most
• Here’s the No. 1 thing that makes relationships successful, say psychologists who studied 40,000 couples
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Want to be smarter and more successful with your money, work & life? Sign up for our new newsletter!

Then I did my 2018 taxes and discovered I owed the U.S. government $2,798 and New York state $345 from the full-time freelance work I’d done the year before.

I made a long-term plan to pay it off but apparently clicked the wrong button and woke up the following day to discover an alarming new bank account balance: negative $1,243. Like most Americans, I did not have $1,243.

I was lucky. A family member was able to lend me $1,243 at no interest, as well as an extra $50 so I wouldn’t starve till my next payday. But I did need to pay back the money as soon as I could.

I started looking for work outside of my day job to help cover the bill. Among the various side hustle sites I perused was internet jungle Craigslist. That’s when I saw an ad I couldn’t really believe.

“Help me find love online,” it read.

‘You will facilitate some dates with guys who have all their teeth’

“Looking for a funny, smart writer, actor or creative to online date for me,” it began.

“I will give you access to my accounts. You will facilitate some dates with guys who have all their teeth, a job and some other criteria I’ll tell you about later. You can do it while waiting for the bus, from your couch, from the toilet.” She was a local creative, she wrote, and was tired of the online dating grind. She wanted someone to handle the apps so she could just show up on the dates.

Qualifications for the gig included the following:

• “Must writing goodly — seriously, though, I’m trying to match with intelligent, well-educated men”
• “Must be confident and a damn good flirt”
• “I don’t care about your gender as long as you’re into men — otherwise I think this will all be too abstract”
• “Must have at least one long-term relationship (over a year) under your belt, so that you have a sense of what an emotionally available man presents like”

To apply, she said, share a resume, a note about what interests you about the gig and “a brief description of YOUR dream man.” She’d pay $25 per hour or a flat rate per date you arranged.

Getting paid to ‘help a badass lady find some man gold’

I couldn’t believe it. This gig actually sounded fun.

I’m a professional wordsmith, I said in the email I immediately sent, so I was capable of “writing goodly.” I’ve been dabbling with dating apps for years so have a handle on how those things work. My dream man is kind of elusive but loosely he’s kind, intelligent and quietly confident, perhaps Andrew Garfield.

I could fully relate to her dating app woes. “If I can help a badass lady find some man gold,” I wrote, “that feels like a pretty major win.”

Within hours, I got a response: “Hey Gili, let’s talk.”

We Skyped the following day then met up for drinks at a wine bar in Brooklyn to hammer out details. I’d swipe and text on her behalf using her profiles on apps like Bumble and OkCupid. She’d give final approval, and then I’d set up the dates.

Pay was $100 upfront then $150 for each date.

‘Dreams DO come true’

The gig didn’t last long. Over the next three or so weeks, I swiped on and chatted up likely dozens of guys at night and on lunch breaks. I must have spent at least 20 hours doing this.

It felt kind of bizarre. When I was texting as me, I always felt comfortable being a goof. But I was pretending to be someone else and didn’t want to say anything that wasn’t authentic. I found myself regularly turning down any natural sass.

The other challenge was that given the fact that my client was paying $150 per date, she was picky. There was plenty of interest on the guys’ parts. But there was often a reason she wouldn’t move forward. Some dudes were a little too forward. Some a little too old. Some were too reminiscent of exes.

Eventually I told her that, though I understood why she was picky, it meant I did hours of work without getting paid. And the gig sort of fizzled from there. Altogether, all I made was that initial $100.

We lost touch over the pandemic, but I reached out recently to see how she’s doing. Turns out she reconnected with and has been happily dating someone she met on Tinder before she and I even embarked on our personal Cyrano de Bergerac.

“Dreams DO come true,” she said.

As for my own 2019 objective, through various side gigs and vigorous saving, I paid off the $1,293 by fall.

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As a Harvard-trained psychologist, I’ve found that the happiest couples don’t avoid conflict — they navigate it by speaking to each other with appreciation and respect. Unfortunately, I’ve seen a lot of marriages end due to poor communication and an unwillingness to change.

So if you use any of these phrases with your partner, your relationship is more successful than most others:

1. “I appreciate your effort.”

It’s tempting to become overly focused on things you don’t like about your partner, and to point them out at every chance you get.

But it’s important to highlight the good in their actions. Happy couples express gratitude for each other’s efforts. It’s a great way to make everyone feel valued.

Similar phrases: 

• “I appreciate that you work so hard to support our family.”
• “I’m grateful that you take the kids to school because it helps me get things done in the morning.”

2. “I like you.”

The healthiest couples don’t just love each other, they like each other, too.

Loving someone is an intense feeling of affection; liking is about seeing them for who they are and acknowledging the attributes you enjoy about them.

Similar phrases:

• “I like that you are so passionate about staying healthy.”
• “I like how devoted you are to your hobbies.”

3. “Help me better understand this.”

We all have different upbringings, vulnerabilities, values and beliefs that shape how we think relationships should work.

If your partner reacts to a situation in a way that you don’t understand, telling them that you want to know them better is key to resolving conflict and bonding at a deeper level.

Similar phrases: 

• “I don’t know why this is so upsetting to you. Please help me see your perspective.”
• “I want to work through this together, and I need to understand you better to do that.”

4. “I’m listening…”

Disagreements are inevitable, but it’s important to still support each other through active listening.

You have to be willing to suspend your desire to be “right” or to get your point across — long enough to hear and empathize with your partner’s perspective.

Similar phrases: 

• “I’ll stop talking now and really try to listen to your point of view.”
• “I want to hear your side of things, even if we ultimately disagree.”

5. “I’m sorry.”

When things don’t go right or as planned, healthy couples know that both partners play a part in the situation.

Taking responsibility for our role in those conflicts — and genuinely apologizing — is critical to repairing rifts.

Similar phrases: 

• “I didn’t communicate my feelings in a respectful way to you, and I’m sorry for that.”
• “I didn’t like the way you acted last night, but I also need to apologize for lashing out.”

6. “I forgive you. Can you forgive me?”

Forgiveness is hard. It requires being vulnerable, letting go of something that caused you pain, and changing your feelings towards your partner.

But studies have shown that couples who practice forgiveness are more likely to enjoy longer, more satisfying relationships. 

Similar phrases: 

• “I know we can’t change the past, so I’m actively trying to let it go and move forward.”
• “I made a mistake and I’m trying to forgive myself. I hope you can forgive me, too.”

7. “I am committed to you.”

Being in a relationship is a choice. Reassuring your partner that you’re still choosing to be with them and to work through challenges will help create a sense of safety and stability.

Similar phrases:

• “Even when times are tough, I still choose to be with you.”
• “I’m here and I want to make this work with you. We’re a team.”

8. “Let’s have some fun!”

If you can find humor (or playfully tease each other) during tense moments, your relationship might be stronger than you think.

The happiest couples are able to break tension and recalibrate the mood by finding room for an authentic smile, silly banter or a lighthearted joke.

Similar phrases: 

• “We should get some fresh air. Want to do something fun today?”
• “I know I’m a lot sometimes. Let’s take a breather from the tough topics and watch a comedy.”

9. “I love you.”

This one is simple but always worth reminding. Verbally expressing your romantic love for one another keeps the relationship alive. And when you say it, make sure you truly mean it.

Dr. Cortney S. Warren, PhD, is a board-certified psychologist and author of “Letting Go of Your Ex.” She specializes in marriages, love addiction and breakups, and received her clinical training at Harvard Medical School. She has written almost 50 peer-reviewed journal articles and delivered more than 75 presentations on the psychology of relationships. Follow her on Twitter @DrCortneyWarren.

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The buzzword defines a problem that people have long struggled with: romantic relationships that aren’t official, but are still, well, something. In other words, a non-committal relationship that hasn’t been defined, aka no “DTR” (define the relationship) conversation has taken place.

Even celebrities are familiar with the term — and the struggle. Taylor Swift mentions it in “Glitch” off her “Midnights” album. “Depending on what kind of mood and situationship I’m in,” she sings.

Then there’s Lizzo, who called out a fan’s situationship during her concert at Madison Square Garden in October 2022. “Brittany is my homegirl, and she told me what’s going on, homegirl to homegirl. So, what’s the f–kin’ deal? You about to miss out on a bad b—h or what?” Lizzo told the fan’s situationship over the phone (and in front of thousands of concert-goers). 

What is a situationship?

Clinical psychologist Vijayeta Sinh says a situationship is simply a relationship that hasn’t been defined. This could be due to a lack of willingness from both people to define the relationship or a lack of commitment toward one another.

“As long as both people are OK with it, then that’s kind of sort of OK because everybody’s kind of on the same page,” Sinh tells TODAY.com. “But I think when it becomes problematic is when one person wants to define the relationship a little bit more and flesh out what it means, and the other person is not quite willing to or hasn’t really given it consideration.”

Holly Schiff, a licensed clinical psychologist, adds that situationships are tricky because you get all the benefits of being in a relationship without the title.

In a situationship, Schiff says you’re not as beholden to a person the same way you are in a formal relationship. There are no expectations. No set boundaries. No consistency.

“You don’t know what to expect from the other person. You don’t even know when you’re going to see them next, or how long it will take them to respond to your text or if they’re going to make an effort to reach out,” Schiff tells TODAY.com.

In a defined relationship, on the other hand, “you understand there’s some consistency, we’ll talk every day, and we have date nights on Saturdays.”

The pros and cons of situationships

Not all situationships are created equal — at least that’s what Jennifer Klesman, a licensed clinical social worker and therapist in Chicago, thinks. As she tells her clients, “have fun until it’s not fun anymore.”

“I think situationships are kind of a fun way to just practice dating,” Klesman tells TODAY.com. “You can have casual connections with people, and they also help you figure out what you do and don’t want in a partner.”

Sinh, on the other hand, argues that it’s nearly impossible to not let feelings get in the way.

“Whether it’s a fear of being in a relationship, fear of committing to a relationship, or it’s a fear of defining relationship or fear of our ability to actually be a good partner to the other person,” Sinh says. Whatever the reason, “as long as they know what the reason is as to why they are not defining the terms and conditions of the relationship, then that’s a conscious choice.”

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Signs you’re in a situationship

You don’t meet each other’s friends or family

Do they like to keep things just between you two? Schiff says this might be a sign that things aren’t progressing. In a more serious relationship, your partner will know about your friends and family, whereas in a situationship they only hang out with you out of convenience and don’t make an effort to learn more about the people in your life.

You haven’t talked about the future

“They might make plans in the future, but usually the ones that are just physical and casual,” Klesman says.

See how often they bring up the future — whether it’s a wedding six months from now, a concert a few weeks out or something else that insinuates you still have many, many years together.

In a relationship, you plan for the future in some capacity, whether it’s a specific event or the next steps you’re going to take as a couple. “In a situationship, there is really not too much discussion of the future,” Schiff says.

You’re missing an emotional connection

You should be able to get deep with your partner. In fact, that’s the only way for relationships to really thrive.

Schiff points out that conversations tend to be superficial and surface-level in a situationship. “They’re not really asking you personal questions,” she says. “You’re not really talking about your hopes and dreams and biggest fears and like all those deep things.”

You haven’t defined your relationship

“So, what are we?” If you’ve ever asked this question and been left without a clear answer, then chances are you’re in a situationship.

There are no labels whatsoever. What’s more, Schiff says that there’s a chance you aren’t in an exclusive or monogamous relationship since it hasn’t been defined by both parties.

Your communication is inconsistent

Klesman says there are no set expectations on what communication should look like in a situationship.

“Situationships are typically kind of an unspoken arrangement two people that are casually seeing each other romantically or physically,” Klesman says. “That can vary from having regular communication to like kind of hitting each other up every so often.”

You never know when you’re going to see them

Unlike being in a relationship where you might have set dates and plans, a situationship is spontaneous and lacks consistency. You might see a person many times one week and then not see them again for a few weeks. “

Everything is based on convenience

“You don’t want to really commit to the relationship, but you are sort of enjoying the benefits that you get from a relationship just based on convenience,” Klesman says.

Schiff adds that it’s more convenient for some people to be in situationships rather than committed relationships.

“You and that other person aren’t really prioritizing each other. You’re not really going out of your way to see the other person or make plans,” Schiff says. “So, it may be more, you know, spur of the moment based on when you’re available or if someone cancels on them or bailed on them.”

You don’t go on dates

Dates are a great way to help you get to know one another outside of your everyday environment. But in a situationship, there aren’t many dates planned — if any at all. To that end, you might also not take the person you are seeing to official events like weddings and company parties.

The relationship isn’t going anywhere

Feeling stuck? It’s up to you to decide if you’re happy with where you’re at or want something more.

Some people are perfectly content with relationships that aren’t progressing, which is why Sihn says it’s important to take some time to determine what’s best for you in the long run.

You aren’t exclusive

If you’re seeing other people, then you’re not in a committed, monogmaosIf you’re seeing other people, then you’re in a situation as opposed to a committed, monogamous relationship.

Schiff’s advice: Ask yourself if you’ve discussed exclusivity, and if one or both of you are actually seeing other people. You’re the only one who knows the answer.

How — and when — to end a situationship

Situationships work for some, but not all.

If you’re ready to end things, Schiff recommends being honest with yourself and the other person. “You have to be clear about what your intentions are for the relationship and kind of asking for what you want,” she says.

But don’t wait until you’re in too deep. As soon as you start to develop feelings for the other person, Sinh says you should let them know and ask how they feel about the current situation.

“Once you’ve kind of done that and you feel like you’ve gotten a response that gives you an indication that they’re on the same page as you, then that’s a good sign,” Sinh says.

But if you feel like you’ve invested a lot of time, given a clear idea of what you’re looking for and still not getting the answer you’re looking for, then “it’s probably best to move on.”

This story first appeared on TODAY.com. More from TODAY:

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Amid allegations of an affair between the “Vanderpump Rules” star and co-star Tom Sandoval—who dated Madix for nine years until their recent split—Leviss has broken her silence.

“I want to apologize for my actions and my choices foremost to Ariana, and to my friends and the fans so invested in our relationships,” she wrote in a March 8 Instagram statement. “There is no excuse, I am not a victim and I must own my actions and I deeply regret hurting Ariana.”

As the reality star explained, she is now vowing to use this as a time of reflection.

“I am reflecting on my choices, speaking to a counselor and I am learning things about myself such as my patterns of codependency and addiction to being and feeling loved,” she continued. “I have sought emotional validation through intimate connections that are not healthy without regard for my own well-being, sometimes negatively affecting others and often prioritizing the intimate connection over my friendships. I am taking steps to understand my behavior and make healthier choices.”

Leviss went on to note the impact the scandal has had on the cast as a whole.
 
“Although I chose to be on a reality show accepting the good and bad that comes with it,” she added, “Beyond my own actions, I have been physically assaulted, lost friendships, received death threats and hate emails in addition to having had my privacy violated.” (E! News has not independently confirmed allegations of assault).

The 28-year-old—who split from co-star James Kennedy in December 2021—also shared the steps she’s already taken during this time.
 
“I have begun counseling to end my unhealthy behavioral cycle, learn to set stronger emotional boundaries and learn to protect my mental health,” she wrote. “I don’t expect sympathy, understanding or forgiveness. Right now, I must focus on my own health and well-being and as I strive to be a better person moving forward, I will prioritize my mental health and learn from my mistakes.”

Leviss’ statement on the matter comes just hours after Sandoval released his own public apology to his now ex.

“I made mistakes, I was selfish, and made reckless decisions that hurt somebody I love,” he wrote, in part, in a March 7 Instagram post. “No one deserves to feel that pain so traumatically and publicly.”
 
As for Madix, she has not publicly commented on the split or allegations.

(E! and Bravo are both part of the NBCUniversal family.)

“It’s 2023 and this is my choice,” says Williams.

Although she is responsible for cooking and cleaning their Virginia home, Williams doesn’t venture outside — not to the gym, to buy cleaning supplies or to meet a girlfriend for coffee — without calling her electrician husband Conner to ask for permission, nor does she leave the house after dark alone.

Asking for permission “is a respectful thing,” Estee Williams tells TODAY.com. “I am happy to do it and he’s happy to usually grant it.”

Williams is one face of the “Tradwife” (traditional wife) movement, composed largely of Christian, conservative millennial and Gen Z women who are leaning out of the workforce and into homemaking. This decision is not primarily logistical or economical; instead, it is philosophical.

Some Tradwives say the demands of corporate America have made them long for a so-called “simpler” time.

They say they yearn for what they describe as America’s Golden Age. Some, but not all, Tradwives wear 1950s-inspired clothing and style their hair with retro cuts and “Marilyn bobs.” Many believe in clearly defined gender roles.

While Tradwives usually embrace a certain look, they can hold a variety of personal, religious and political beliefs — some defer to their husbands for all decisions; others define marriage as a 50-50 partnership in which running a household carries the same weight as working outside the home.

Williams says she was motivated to become a Tradwife in part because of her “chaotic” childhood with a “struggling single mom” after her parents divorced.

“She worked all these jobs and then she would come home and try her best to make us really good food, have the house clean,” she recalls. “I saw the stress and burnout and I always knew that I did not want that.”

Estee and Conner Williams met in middle school and started dating two years ago, when she was a college sophomore studying meteorology. They bonded over their religious values and a shared desire for a marriage with traditional gender roles. Soon after, Estee dropped out of school. Since their January 2023 wedding, they’ve carved a life from a bygone era.

Estee Williams says they both believe that husbands should have final say on large financial purchases. They share a joint bank account, and each has their own debit card. Estee doesn’t consult Conner when she withdraws money for groceries, for example, but for purchases over $100, she says Conner makes the call.

Neither of them cultivate opposite-sex friendships, and Estee takes Conner’s beauty and fashion preferences into consideration when choosing her clothing and hairstyles.

“I put my husband’s wants ahead of my own, and this has done nothing but benefit myself and my marriage,” she said on TikTok. 

They don’t have kids yet, though Williams tells TODAY.com she knows how she wants to raise her future children: “Our son will learn how to work on cars and build and fix things; our daughter will learn how to cook, clean and maintain a home.”

Why Tradwives are a thing

Tradwife culture, a niche lifestyle that’s finding a larger audience on TikTok, could be a reaction to the overall liberalization of American belief systems, says Noam Shpancer, a professor of psychology at Otterbein University in Ohio. A 2021 New York University study found that each new generation tends to become more open-minded than the previous one in regards to race, sexuality and gender.

“Whenever there is a social change, not everyone will be happy,” Shpancer tells TODAY.com. He compares Tradwives to people who support laws like the “Don’t Say Gay” bill in Florida, both seeking to return society to what some people see as a simpler time with fewer individual freedoms.

The Tradwife lifestyle shares borders with the alt-right movement on social media through common hashtags like #FeminismSucks, #ConservativeWomen, #TwoGenders and #DomesticDiscipline. Often these hashtags accompany vintage memes showing housewives smiling while sorting laundry and serving dinner. 

Not all Tradwives are alt-right or far right politically, though. Shpancer mentions another reason for the rise of the Tradwife movement: a desire to retreat from a society that offers so many life choices.

“Freedom has obvious benefits like choice, opportunity and self-actualization, but it’s hard work,” he says. “Handling it requires maturity, discipline and an ability to tolerate ambivalence and uncertainty.”

He notes that excessive freedom can be anxiety-provoking for many people.

“Humans need structure and clarity to function well and for the story to be coherent,” he notes. “In the human psyche, any order is better than chaos.”

What being a 1950s housewife was really like

Life in the 1950s certainly had its advantages — for men.

Middle-class men had more vacation time, shorter workweeks, better pension plans and higher salaries than their modern-day counterparts, says Stephanie Coontz, the director of research and public education for the nonprofit organization Council on Contemporary Families.

According to Coontz, author of the forthcoming book “For Better and Worse: The Problematic Past and Uncertain Future of Marriage,” the average 30-year-old man in 1959 could pay the mortgage on a median-priced home using only 18 percent of his gross monthly pay; women had little economic opportunity outside “Gal Friday” office assistant jobs, earning just 60 percent of male wages.

“Until 1970, the average female college graduate working full time year-round earned less than the average high school educated male,” she tells TODAY.com.

Marriage was a potentially sweet but always uncertain deal for women. Justice was not always served in bad marriages, as there were little to no protections against marital rape and domestic abuse.

“Police often would not make an arrest unless the wife’s wound required a certain number of stitches,” says Coontz. “And many psychiatrists believed that women provoked their husbands into beating them.”

Divorce was not an easy way out. At the time, it was common for ex-wives to walk away with little or nothing.

“A husband had the right to determine the family residence, so if he moved and she refused to follow, she could be charged with desertion,” Coontz says. “And several states allowed husbands to mortgage their homes without consulting their wife, or even to bequeath community property to someone else.”

Women couldn’t even reliably get their own credit cards until the 1970s. Only in 1974 did it become illegal for creditors to discriminate on the basis of sex or marital status. Before then, says Coontz, “If a single woman with a credit card got married, her husband had to become the legal account holder.”

In the event of divorce, she adds, “In the 1950s and 1960s, most states held that earnings acquired during marriage were separate property, so homemakers weren’t entitled to a share of what their husbands earned during the marriage.”

Even among families that stayed together, says Coontz, anecdotal evidence from this time period shows that some housewives abused alcohol and tranquilizers in an era before drug addiction treatment was readily available. And although moms were physically present, Coontz says diaries from the 1950s reveal that on average, they spent less time reading to, playing with or otherwise interacting with their children compared with employed women today. 

The choice to be a Tradwife

Most Tradwives say they’re happily married to men who pamper and adore them and respect their roles as homemakers. They also insist that their personal decisions are not meant to dictate to or shame other women.

But there’s a catch, says Rachael D. Robnett, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas.

“Our social structure still affords men greater power and status than women, so it’s a choice with an asterisk,” she tells TODAY.com. “Placing women on pedestals sounds great on the surface, but it can be at the expense of their agency. So there’s a significant trade-off.” 

Robnett points to “choice feminism,” the act of justifying life choices by evoking feminism without reflecting on broader social structures: Women are still victims of sexual violence at disproportionate rates to men, women earn 84 percent of what men make, and in cases where women out-earn their husbands, statistics show, they still tackle more domestic labor.  

“The word ‘feminism’ has been so abused and misused,” says Coontz. “Feminism is a belief that women should have equal rights and responsibilities with men. It doesn’t ask for special privileges for women. It means that, to the extent that it’s about choice, it’s about expanding the choices that men and women can make.” 

Many Tradwives do not consider themselves feminists.

“I don’t support modern-day feminism,” Williams says.  

While the majority of Tradwife images depict white women, Black women also have a presence in the movement, according to Adara Sherron, a Christian speaker and entrepreneur in New York.

Sherron says she does not identify as a Tradwife, in part because she works part time — but she does appreciate being a homemaker.

“Many Black women enjoy homemaking, sewing, gardening, growing food, having a farm, etc. Even if the media and social media only show a very small representation of us,” Sherron captioned a TikTok video on her account, “Adara The Explorer.” “We have had a long and complex history with these things BUT they are still RICHLY part of our history and our future.”

Coontz speculates about why some Black women may be drawn to the Tradwife movement.

“Black women have long been responsible for keeping families together and compensating for the tremendous discrimination, including violence, directed at Black men and boys,” she says. “And with discriminatory wages and greater unemployment of Black men, they have often had to take low-quality, difficult jobs to help support the family. So it’s understandable that some women who may not believe in the subordination part of the so-called traditional marriage may long for a family where the man has a good enough job to support her at home and she can keep her children safe.”

Sherron says she experienced a brief spell as her family’s breadwinner when her husband was unemployed. As he got back on his feet, Sherron was laid off, and she took the opportunity to stay at home with their daughter.

“I have seen career women look down on those who choose to be wives and moms first, and I’ve seen wives and moms put down career women,” Sherron tells TODAY.com. “There’s no one lifestyle that’s right or wrong. As a society we have to be cognizant of the fact that not every woman wants a husband or kids. And that’s OK.”

Stay-at-home Tradwife K.M., who asked TODAY.com to publish only her initials to protect her privacy, says she is a “reformed radical feminist,” having grown up in a Muslim family before converting to Christianity.  

The 21-year-old says she believes traditional gender roles primarily benefit women. She notes that U.S. workplace policies don’t guarantee paid maternity or menstrual leave.

“If a woman goes through the difficult process of pregnancy and childbirth, and she has several kids and is home all day and the husband has a full-time job, her work is just as important as his work,” says K.M., who runs the Stay At Home Ladies Club Instagram account. “I don’t understand why she would have to get a full-time job in addition to the work that she’s already doing.”

A love of Jell-O salad with grated carrots

For Emily Perea, 39, a stay-at-home mom in New Mexico, the Tradwife movement is a way to escape “from a world that doesn’t appreciate someone staying home and raising children and to one that puts people on a pedestal for it.” 

As a mom, Perea says she wanted to recreate her “idyllic” childhood in which she idolized “Little House on the Prairie” writer Laura Ingalls Wilder. And with few job prospects in her rural community, she says homemaking was logical.

Perea struggled with organizational tasks until she discovered “America’s Housekeeping Book,” published in 1941, and was mesmerized by its step-by-step instructions for home maintenance. As a collector of vintage housekeeping books, Perea appreciates the empowering messaging woven into the pages.

“It’s very much, ‘You should make this work for you, but not clean so much that you don’t go on picnics with your kids,'” she notes. “I realized that the difference (between then and now) is that we’ve lost respect for unpaid caregiving and we no longer treat it as a profession.” 

When her husband is working as a gardener, Perea homeschools their eight children using textbooks published in the 1800s and the 1950s. She also cooks “square meals” (featuring meat, lots of sauce, vegetables, salad and dessert) from vintage cookbooks.

“I love making lemon or orange-flavored Jell-O salad with grated carrots and pineapple on lettuce leaves with sour-cream salad dressing,” she says. 

Perea runs the recipe-and-etiquette blog “Mid-Century Modern Mommy” to advertise her homemaking coaching services and share 1950s-era advice for a happy home and marriage.

“When he takes the wrong freeway exit and he keeps going in the wrong direction, you will go past the state line and still not correct what he’s doing,” reads one post. According to another, “Don’t let yourself go. Physical beauty is not the first requirement of femininity. But when a woman lets herself go, she is announcing to men that she doesn’t care whether they like her or not — which is not feminine.”

Perea says she and her husband blur gender roles and they divide chores based on each other’s personalities and strengths. For example, she cleans but he mops, and their five sons are taught how to run a household along with their sisters.

“My main reason for being a Tradwife is that everyone deserves to know how important it is to have a home,” she says.

Experts say families should carve their own paths. But, they warn, following a glossy social media trend into the world of Tradwives could be dangerous.

“It’s worrisome if people in the movement convince young women that depending on a male breadwinner will solve their work-related frustrations, without considering the risks that a man might lose his job, die early, mistreat them or abandon them,” says Coontz.

“Unless Tradwives are sure that those watching are protected against the abuses that characterized the 1950s,” she adds, “it doesn’t have much to do with choice, but rather wishful thinking.”

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Mistakes. We all make them. Some are small, like spilling wine on a friend’s couch or forgetting a birthday. Others are bigger, causing hurt that can lead to lasting, sometimes irreparable damage in a relationship.

That’s what makes apologies important.

“We all hurt other people just as we’re hurt by them. So, the need to give and receive apologies is with us until our very last breath,” Harriet Lerner, psychologist and author of “Why Won’t You Apologize?” tells TODAY.com.

But not everyone understands how to apologize — or why saying “I’m sorry” is even necessary.

“When done right, an apology is deeply healing,” Lerner says. “And when an apology is absent or we muck it up, it can put a crack in the foundation of a relationship, or it can even end a relationship.”

In fact, failing to say we’re sorry for something we’ve done that’s affected someone we love, can ultimately end up causing more damage than whatever we’re apologizing for in the first place.

“The courage to apologize and the wisdom and clarity to do it wisely and well is at the heart of everything that’s most important,” she says. “It’s at the heart of parenting, leadership, and friendship. It’s at the heart of our own sense of personal integrity and accountability and self-worth.”

Yet, saying sorry isn’t always easy. While an apology for something small, like accidentally stepping on someone’s toe, is almost automatic, apologizing for something much bigger tends to be more difficult.

That’s because, as Lerner puts it, our brains are hard-wired for defensiveness when we’re confronted. When we listen defensively, our focus shifts to any exaggerations or inaccuracies in the conversation rather than “listening for the essence of what the hurt or angry party needs us to understand.”

Once we feel defensive, we often end up debating the things we don’t think are true or fair instead of genuinely listening to what the injured party has to say.

And it’s the listening part that Lerner says is essential. “If only we would listen with the same passion we feel about being heard.”

“Apologies are extremely powerful,” Karina Schumann, associate professor of social psychology at the University of Pittsburgh, tells TODAY.com.

Even when you don’t think you’ve done something “wrong,” Schumann says it’s important to view the situation from the perspective of the person who’s been harmed or offended, then validate it.

“To hear those words of recognition that you’re aware that something has happened that’s upsetting or problematic for this person, and that you’re not making excuses for it,” can be extremely impactful, according to Schumann.

So, what are the steps in delivering a heartfelt apology? “When it’s something important, the good apology may start with ‘I’m sorry,’ but it doesn’t end there,” Lerner says.

Below, Lerner and Schumann offer some pointers on how to apologize sincerely and effectively.

Step 1: Listen, then listen again

A good apology starts with the willingness to listen and hear what the injured party has to say despite any objections you may have. “Sit on the hot seat and listen with an open heart to the anger of the wounded party,” Lerner suggests.

More often than not, you won’t be able to cover all the bases in one conversation.

“If it’s a big betrayal, there’s no greater gift or one that’s more difficult to offer then the kind of listening where we put aside our defensiveness and listen to someone’s anger and pain when they’re accusing us of causing it,” Lerner adds.

Step 2: Take responsibility

According to Lerner, a good apology requires us to take “clear and direct responsibility for what we have or done or failed to say or do” without any caveats.

That said, a “true apology does not include the word ‘but.”

A genuine apology is a sincere expression of empathy, and remorse and should take responsibility for your actions. A good example: “I’m really sorry about what I said at the party last night. It was insensitive and uncalled for.”

It’s not an apology if you focus on the other person’s feelings or responses. For example, “I’m sorry that you felt hurt by what I said at the party last night.”

This kind of apology doesn’t work because there’s no accountability or ownership of the action. Instead, it puts it on the injured party. “You don’t apologize for someone else’s feelings, which maybe implies that if they were a little tougher and they weren’t so sensitive, maybe they wouldn’t be so hurt,” Lerner says.

Step 3: Make reparations

Be sure to include a “corrective action,” which Lerner describes as something that attempts to rectify the wrong that’s been committed.

Say, you receive bad service or food at a restaurant and the server says they’re sorry but fails to make up for the poor service or food in some way. “It’s a terrible business error to apologize, but not to make it right,” Lerner says.

When it comes to relationships, commit to not making the same mistake again or make it known that you’re going to change your behavior.

This, of course, depends on the situation at hand. In Lerner’s eyes, a single “I’m sorry” probably isn’t going to cut it for big things like affairs, abuse, and other toxic behaviors.

“It’s very rare to get an apology done in one conversation,” Lerner explains. And as difficult as it may be, she says it’s important to not wait for the injured person to bring up the incident again to have another conversation about it.

“We always wait for the hurt party to bring it up, but an important part of reparation, when it’s something important, is to take the initiative to bring it up.”

Step 4: Allow time for forgiveness

Remember: Most problems aren’t solved in a day. While you may think — or hope — that you’ll be forgiven as soon as you apologize, that’s not always the case.

“Some think an apology is just not enough for some types of offenses,” Schumann says. “There shouldn’t be an onus and pressure on victims to forgive immediately when they receive an apology.”

A sincere apology can help begin the healing process, but the person who’s been hurt should always listen to their own needs and only forgive when — or, well, if — they’re ready.

The person apologizing should allow time and space for forgiveness to happen. “Be ready to engage in a longer process of accountability as opposed to just thinking, ‘I’ve apologized. It’s done, the person’s going to forgive me now,’” Schumann says.

Relationship damage or the “fraying of trust in a relationship”may require a longer process of changing behaviors and rebuilding that trust, according to Schumann. “So, apologies are a great starting point, but they usually require a little bit more than that.”

Step 5: Validate each other’s point of view

You should always try to enter the conversation with an open mind and the willingness to work through the issue.

“It takes two,” Schumann says. “But one person can initiate open-minded communication where you’re not attacking the other person, attacking their character and talking about how they always do this kind of thing to you.”

Taking that approach, she says, is likely to put the other person on the defensive. “But these are the steps that can try and reduce that defensiveness and really try to promote empathy and understanding between the people involved,” Schumann says.

It’s also important to recognize that, in some cases, you may never get the apology you’re hoping for.

“People who commit serious hurt may never get to the point where they can admit to their harmful actions, much less apologize aim to repair them,” Lerner says.

This story first appeared on TODAY.com. More from TODAY

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A new report suggests that New York City singles living alone in a one-bedroom apartment are paying almost $20,000 more a year than someone living with their significant other.

Making matters just a little worse: That’s the most in the country, meaning being anywhere else would at least be saving single folk some money.

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The study by Zillow found that single New Yorkers shelled out $19,500 more per year than couples living in the same place. Most of that money goes toward rent and food.

It’s called a “singles tax” — which no, is not a real government tax from Uncle Sam. It’s the price of covering rent and other expenses by yourself versus those who live with their partners.

Even being in the second-most expensive place for singles, San Francisco, would theoretically save individuals thousands of dollars every year. Nationwide, the so-called singles tax is about $7,000 — more than $12,500 less than NYC’s.

It’s even worse for those singles who live in Manhattan, the priciest borough, where that tax goes up to $24,000.

For those wondering what cities have the lowest singles tax, that would be Detroit and Cleveland, which respectively have a singles tax of $4,483 and $4,387.

“Living alone has its perks — you never have to share a bathroom, you have a claim to the TV at all times, and dirty dishes can stack up as long as you want, judgment free. But all that freedom comes with a cost,” says Amanda Pendleton, Zillow home trends expert. “Even though rent prices are starting to cool, they are still significantly higher than they were a year ago. Renters considering going solo this year must decide how valuable living alone is to them, and if the cost is worth it.”

Couples also save about $39,000 a year on average.

In fact, there are four signs based on how a couple communicates that can predict if they’ll break up with over 90% accuracy, according to research from John Gottman, Ph.D., co-founder of the Gottman Institute, which provides couples’ counseling and educates mental health care providers.

The good news? There are ways to address these issues head on.

Toxic Criticism

Toxic criticism is the first indicator of a problem that needs to be addressed, Kim Polinder, the host of the podcast “Engineering Love” and a relationship coach based in Long Beach, California, tells TODAY.com.

She warns against criticizing your partner too often or doing so generally and unfairly. She explains that making generalizations such as, “You never take out the garbage,” isn’t conducive to constructive communication. “When you use the words ‘never’ and ‘always,’ you’re commenting on someone’s character versus focusing on the issue at hand,” she explains.

Defensiveness

Defensiveness, Polinder says, is about making excuses without demonstrating any sort of accountability for one’s own actions. She advises to “learn to take accountability for your part in your partner’s complaint,” — even in situations when it’s a very small part. “I like to refer to the 1% test,” she continues. “Is 1% of what your partner is complaining about true? If so, take accountability for that 1%. Couples get so busy defending themselves that empathy gets lost in the conversation.”

Stonewalling

Stonewalling, Polinder explains, is about shutting a conversation down completely and even physically turning away from your partner. Some couples also engage in the silent treatment.

“When it comes to stonewalling, both partners need to understand the importance of deescalating fights and learning to recognize when one partner is overwhelmed,” she says. “And if you do take a break, it should never last more than a day, and frequent check-in’s should be happening during the break.” 

 Contempt

Signs of contempt include sighing, rolling your eyes, mocking your partner, engaging in cutting sarcasm, or demonstrating an all-around dislike of your partner or the things they value, Polinder says.

“Out of all of (the warning signs), contempt is the most dangerous predictor, and it’s referred to as the relationship killer,” she says. “Left unaddressed, these behaviors will eventually evolve into percolating resentment over the years.”

Instead, she advises, “learn to speak your feelings rather than communicate in passive-aggressive ways.” 

Dr. Donald Cole, the current clinical director of the Gottman Institute, tells TODAY.com that three of the four warning signs occur from time to time in most relationships, but contempt is the most worrisome.

“It is not unusual for even satisfied couples to occasionally slip into criticism and defensiveness. Even occasional stonewalling has been observed. Contempt, however, is only observed in couples whose relationships were on the path to failure,” he explains. 

How to fix these communication troubles

Polinder says the best way to address any of these issues is to do so head on. “If you notice any or all of these arguing styles in your relationship, the best way to approach it is to talk about them with your partner,” she advises. “These behaviors are indicative of underlying sentiments and feelings that are going unexpressed.”

Cole agrees that addressing problems as they arise is critical. “Repair is an essential skill for all couples to be successful,” he says. “A gentle approach is essential when someone is bringing up an issue to their partner.”

To do this, he recommends following this three-step model:

• State your feeling, such as “I’m worried.”
• Describe the situation, such as “About the way we’ve been arguing.”
• Express your need, such as, “I need us to find a way to make our conversations go better.”

In addition to dealing with obstacles head on, Polinder recommends proactively fostering a stronger connection with your partner.

“The No. 1 skill you can cultivate to improve your relationship is to learn to empathize with your partner,” Polinder says. “Research shows that individuals will not move forward in a conversation until they feel that the other party understands their position.” And until the person feels understood, they’ll be less inclined to compromise or listen to another point of view.

“Validating feelings is all about focusing on your partner’s emotions, not their thoughts or judgments about you,” she says. “You don’t have to agree with their conclusions, but you do need to agree with the emotional pain that they’re experiencing. Empathy has become a lost art amongst couples, and it is a key piece to emotional intimacy.”

Polinder also recommends daily 10-minute check-ins with no distractions to make sure resentments aren’t building and getting professional help, either as a couple or alone. For example, “many stonewallers benefit from individual therapy to teach them how to practice communicating through conflict and to understand the root of their trauma,” she says. 

Cole recommends couples learn stress management techniques to help them stop taking out individual frustrations on each other and to increase the amount of time they spend together.

He also points out that showing public signs of affection “seem to have a very positive effect on the emotional connection of couples” and that, above all, it’s crucial to “cultivate a culture of appreciation and fondness” within your relationship.

You can do this with small actions, such as placing notes around the house, sending a thoughtful text or leaving a loving voicemail during the workday.

“All of these small things can really add up,” Cole suggests. “Successful couples tend to spontaneously say things and do things designed to make their partner feel loved and appreciated.”

This story first appeared on TODAY.com. More from TODAY:

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At least that is what some TikTok users are attempting in an effort to enhance their love lives. 

The “red nail theory,” a term coined by TikTok creator Robyn Delmonte, aka @GirlBossTown, has become a viral sensation. The idea is simple: If you wear red nail polish, you’re more likely to receive attention from potential suitors.

In her video, Delmonte said that every time she has red nails, a guy comments on the color. She was confused at first — until it hit her. 

“In the ’90s when we were growing up, women had red nails a lot, especially like our moms,” she said in the video. “And I weirdly think guys are attracted to red nails because it reminds them of their moms when they were growing up taking care of them.” 

As a result, the hashtag, #rednailtheory, has amassed over 164 million views on TikTok with the majority of users claiming there’s truth to the theory.

Take TikTok user @melissevmartineau, for example. In a TikTok video, she said she has been asked out on five or six because of her red nails.

“I have never been asked out on so many dates or complimented as much as I have been in the past two or three weeks with these nails,” she said.

Since the trend has gone viral, Trenna Seney, a celebrity nail artist who goes by @lovetrenna on TikTok, has seen an increase in clients requesting red nails — and she says they often return with success stories.

“I have clients that have come back after two or three weeks and tell me ‘Oh my god, I got so much attention’ or ‘People would come up to me and just start talking to me,’ or ‘I was at the bar and this guy started talking to me,’” she tells TODAY.com. “So I was just like, it’s real.”

So, will red nails actually lead to love? TODAY.com went straight to the experts to see how Delmonte’s theory holds up.

Meet the experts

• Adam Pazda, assistant professor of psychology at the University of South Carolina.
• Carla Marie Manly, clinical psychologist and author of “Date Smart: Transform Your Relationships and Love Fearlessly.”
• Amy Wax, color consultant and creator of the Color911 app.
• Sally Augustin, environmental design psychologist.

Is the ‘red nail theory’ real?

Yes, according to psychologists, color experts and, well, science.

Red nails can be a magnet to attract male attention, but not necessarily for the reason the theory espouses. 

When it comes to men associating red nails with female figures from their past, it is really dependent on previous individual experiences, Adam Pazda, assistant professor of psychology at the University of South Carolina, tells TODAY.com. 

“Certainly you could see red nails or any color in any context and if you had experience with that it could remind you of that,” he says. “But I don’t know if that’s something that a lot of people share.” 

The idea that red nails conjure up memories of their mother also sounds reasonable to Carla Marie Manly, clinical psychologist and author of “Date Smart: Transform Your Relationships and Love Fearlessly.” 

“If a male has a matriarchal figure where there was a great deal of power, and the woman did tend to wear red, it can absolutely be associated with a mother’s energy or a grandmother’s energy,” she tells TODAY.com. 

But she also points out that many people associate mothers with pure colors like shades of white, pinks or blues, not red.

Experts do, however, universally agree that red has a powerful effect on men. A 2008 study of 27 men with a median age of 20 found that men consider women wearing red more attractive and sexually desirable. The same study found men are more willing to ask women out on a date and pay more during that date when they wear red. 

This likely stems from our deep roots in associating red with romance, sexuality and passion.

“When we go back historically and look at the significance of the color red, go way back in time you see that red was often seen as a color of passion, of course it’s the color of blood, so it evokes that sense of ‘I will give anything for you. I will do anything to prove myself whether it is to a country or to a woman,'” Manly says.

Significance aside, it’s still a hue with a hook, according to Amy Wax, color consultant and creator of the Color911 app.

“I see it as a physical stimulant,” she tells TODAY.com. “I think it’s something that is invigorating. It’s exciting to us. It speeds up our heartbeat. It captures our attention and it grabs it.”

And this phenomenon is not just limited to male attention. Wax clarifies that red is an attractor for all people, no matter how they identify.

“I think it has more to do with if you’re looking at a crowded social environment or a bar or whatever and there’s one guy who’s wearing this really beautiful, deep, rich, elegant red sweater, it’s going to grab your attention a little bit,” she says. “You’re going to say ‘that’s a person that’s confident, that’s a person that knows himself, knows his emotions, has a sense of power to him.’”

Is the allure of red nails a self-fulfilling prophecy? 

Turns out scoring dates may not be the only reason to get a fiery manicure.

“People choose to make their fingernails red when they are trying to make this certain impression,” Sally Augustin, environmental design psychologist, tells TODAY.com. “And then they start to act in a different way and it becomes like a self-fulfilling prophecy.” 

Choosing red is a bold statement — in more ways than one. “You’re in a space where you’re looking to be noticed, to stand out a little bit in the crowd, so you’re not the same as everybody else,” Wax says.

Generally speaking, Manly adds that women also tend to feel more confident when they take the time to invest in their self-care and appearance.

“I think if you’re wearing red and you feel confident and powerful in red, you will definitely emanate a more attractive and maybe even provocative energy,” Manly says.  

But if you’re not the type to normally get your nails done or typically opt for a more subtle shade, Manly encourages you to be your genuine self.

“As long as you feel at ease in your skin and you’re projecting the message that you really want to give and it makes you feel good about who you are, then sky’s the limit.”

This story first appeared on TODAY.com. More from TODAY:

• How to manifest love into your life, according to the pros
• 80 amazing love quotes to share with your person
• Does the ‘whisper method’ really work? The viral manifestation technique, explained

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An out-of-the-blue phone call or text is actually very appreciated by the receiver, and the more surprising the better.

The study is comprised of a few different experiments, but across all of them researchers found that the person who initiated the communication always underestimated how much the other party valued the action.

Still, reaching out to a friend you maybe haven’t connected with in a while can feel nerve-wracking, as is asking friends for more communication.

“A lot of people are scared to be rejected or scared to learn that maybe they don’t mean as much as they want to to other people,” says Brian Trager, a therapist at Williamsburg Therapy Group.

Maintaining friendships is ‘a struggle’

In some relationships, asking for more or clearer communication is the norm. Friendships don’t fall into that category.

“Society places a lot more emphasis on romantic partners providing those emotional needs for us versus our friends, so it’s not thought of as something a lot of us can ask for,” he says.

Oftentimes, Trager says, losing a friend can be as traumatic if not more than losing a partner, especially if it’s a long-term friend. However, it does not feel normal to put the work into a friendship that you would put into other types of relationships.

“We just get stuck in our habits, and it can become more difficult to engage in new behaviors,” he says.

“It takes effort to do this sort of stuff and a lot of people struggle to really put in the effort of maintaining friendships or struggle with what it really means to be in deep, loving relationships with other people.”

A text message is not going to be ‘the most effective’ method

If you want a friend to call more, or want them to be more available when you call, there is pretty much only one way to communicate that: ask.

Don’t lead with what you need, but instead tell them what you’re going through, Trager says.

“It can be helpful to focus on your emotions,” he says.

You can start by saying, “It’s scary for me to ask you this, but I’m going through a tough time and I’ve been lonely and feeling disconnected.”

An in-person conversation or even a phone call would be best, he says: “I don’t think asking for these things over text is going to be the most effective.”

Even if you feel awkward or nervous about it, remember that they will likely be more appreciative that you called than you think.

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